Star Wars – Stormtrooper Target Practice

We’d like to thank you all for attending our annual targeting
practice for Storm Troopers. COMMANDER:
…Though a larger turnout would have been a bit more desirable� we
will have to make due with what we have. ST 1:
I could call some of my friends. COMMANDER:
No. This will do. Just promise me that you will tell all of your buddies
in your units about what we talked about here today, and make them
promise… Promise… That they will practice. Understood? COMMANDER:
Now, As a member of the emperors elite tactical team, we expect you
to be expert marksman. Effective with one shot. Precision is the name
of the game. (to ST 3) You’re awfully tall to be a storm trooper. ST 3:
Sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir. COMMANDER:
Okay… Blaster 101 states that… COMMANDER:
Trooper, can I help you with something? ST 2:
Uh… Sorry sir. Just a wing-ed pestilence, sir. COMMANDER:
Please give me your full attention, Trooper. ST 2:
Will do… Hank. COMMANDER:
Excuse me? Commander approaches ST 2. COMMANDER:
Who told you that? Who told you my name was Hank? Cause it is not. ST 2:
No one did, sir. COMMANDER:
It better have not been Tomloy in sector 9,741. I am having dinner
with his family on sunday and he will hear about this. ST 1:
But sir, I thought your name wasn’t Hank. ST 3:
Yeah, I’m confused. ST 2:
Yeah, me too. COMMANDER:
It isn’t. I mean, it was, but now it isn’t. Alright? Forget you ever heard
it. ST 1,2,3:
Yes, Commander Hank. COMMANDER:
Alright. Please step up, and grab a blaster. COMMANDER:
This is your standard Blas Tech Industries E-11 Rifle, as Okay…
First lesson of the day. Do not point the blaster at yourself, ever. ST 2:
It’s okay. We’re all learning here. Now, take the blaster and firmly
grip under the barrel, and Okay don’t use the blaster as a parasol. COMMANDER:
Grip with your right hand and pull the rifle snug to your shoulder.
Aim by pointing the barrel at your target and by lining up the pin and
the site. Then, gently squeeze the trigger until the blaster fires a
round. If you pull too hard on the trigger, the round will go off of
where you’re aiming. Your natural reaction will be to flinch, but with
practice, this is something you can overcome with the squeeze method. COMMANDER:
Yes? ST1:
Should we take the safety off before we fire? Or should we leave it on? COMMANDER:
Naturally it would be ideal to fire the gun with the safety off. Thank
you for reminding me of the that step. I, apparently, forgot it.
Now, We have some targets set up; who wants to give it a try? COMMANDER:
Good. Raisy handy McHanderstein, you’re up. COMMANDER:
Feet shoulder width apart. Good. Bring the rifle up nice and snug to
your hip; for safety we want a Blaster as far away from your face as
possible. COMMANDER:
Safety off?! Daring. Okay, Aim, squeeze, and fire when ready. COMMANDER:
little higher, Trooper. You’re trying to hit the target… not the
dirt in front of you. ST 1:
Well, not too bad for a first go round. ST 1:
I’ve been shooting blasters all my life. COMMANDER:
Ah, then that definitely makes things more complicated, doesn’t it?!
Alright, come on. Let’s see it. COMMANDER:
Nice, Trooper. That… COMMANDER:
See? This is what we’re talking about. The Emperor doesn’t want any more
holes in the walls. And this is what we are out here to cure. Precision.
Better aiming. Efficient killing machines! ST 1:
But what if we have to run? Often, I find myself in a pack of 30
troopers, running towards a target. I can’t be expected to be a good
shot while running and surrounded by people. ST 3:
Yeah. And what about visibility? Sometimes I get really nervous, and
my goggles fog up. Or my respirator won’t be ventilating properly, or
it’s humid on the death star. (to ST1) Does that ever happen to you? ST 1:
Oh, all the time! ST 2:
Is it snack time yet? COMMANDER:
Snacks are in a minute. Look, I know visibility is a problem
sometimes, but you’re supposed to be highly trained soldiers. It shouldn’t
take 20 rounds to hit a target, even if it’s running away. Steady your
shots. Squeeze the trigger. Practice makes perfect. Okay. You take a
few shots and then we’ll have a light refreshment. ST 3:
Finally. COMMANDER (SO):
I heard that. COMMANDER:
Very good. Very good. Honestly, I didn’t think any of you, especially
you, were going to hit the target today. So, congratulations. ST 2:
Thanks, commander Hank. COMMANDER:
Alright, take a break. COMMANDER:
How did we get stuck with this? CALLER:
Commander, Your squad is being requested for duty. Report at 1800
for a briefing. COMMANDER:
I’ll send as many troops as I can. (hangs up) Did he just shoot that
(nods his head) We couldn’t teach these guys to close a ventilator

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